Single Mom of Two Grown ups and Two little ones…what’s that about?

I was sitting at my computer today relishing that it’s the first day of summer vacation and going through all the things in my head I have to get to doing. first of course is a washing machine..I really need one, I can’t take the laundromat anymore or I’ll go bonkers. 

I got to thinking what is different about this 2nd experience of single parenting that I am going through. I was sitting there wondering why my daughter doesn’t make great choices in men, and realized something. I learned from my mother just like she learned from hers. Now, my mother would NOT want me writing about her or judging her in any way, which I have to say is pretty ironic since she was a very judgemental person in my mind. However, she started her parenting journey by getting pregnant out of wedlock by a man she barely knew. She was rebounding from a long relationship. So, in the 60s, people got pregnant and most of the time, they got married. So they did. I am not sure if either one of them had time to contemplate whether they were happy with what they chose. They were only 21 and 23 years of age. That is terribly young to have a child, let alone with someone you hardly know. But that’s how it was done.

The inevitable end was another child and then divorce when I was 9 years old. My mother jumped right into another relationship almost immediately. She was married very quickly to her 2nd husband. There was no alone with mom time there. That ended in divorce very quickly thanks to domestic violence. That’s as much detail as I want to go into on that one. Then, very soon after that, it seems to me, she was involved again, this time with the man she stayed with for the rest of her life. The point I’m getting at is my mother was not really a very SINGLE parent. So I had no example of a single adult as a parent. My dad was in and out of many small relationships and then got married, but we didn’t live with him full time so I am not counting him as an example. I am my mother’s daughter. I really am, whether I like to admit that or not.

Point is, I followed very closely in the same pattern. I never got hit, but I got verbally/emotionally abused by my 2nd husband and it was a very short marriage. I jumped too fast into number 3 relationship and before I knew it we were having some kids and married. Now, in my mind, I’d settled down. This was IT for me, just like my mom. I don’t know how to be a single adult with kids as a result. I didn’t expect the marriage to break up, I really didn’t. I know, how naive I was!!

So, now, I’m doing something different than my mother, and I find myself really experiencing a lot of difficulty with it. When your kid doesn’t have the example, they don’t know how to do it. So, in one way, I’m sad not to be married and happy, but in another way, I’m happy I get to provide the example to my youngers, that it is entirely OK to be a single adult, not married, not looking for a relationship, not dating, just enjoying life as a single mom. It is so very new to me and I go back and forth a lot questioning my choice to remain single for as long as I need to. I figure when the time is right, if ever, a nice guy will show up in my life and it will work out like normal relationships do. None of this desperate not to be alone stuff, because by then, I will have been alone and happy for a while.

Also, whenever I hear my friends talking about their relationships I feel a big mixture of things too. I feel sad because I miss having a partner sometimes. I feel relieved that I don’t have to tend to another adult’s needs when I’m only just learning what mine are. I miss the physical portion of a relationship a lot. I miss romance. But I don’t NEED it any longer, which is the huge difference. I am rather happy being on my own and just dealing with my own messed up issues. I can go ahead and be fat and be annoyed and not worry about whether or not my partner finds me attractive enough. Since I’m not trying to get a man, I can truly concentrate on handling my own stuff without trying to help someone else handle his stuff. I can really grow up and heal and be and honor my own journey.

So, I am grateful to be alone. I think it’s a lesson that is not only good for me, but good for my young daughter, Sophia. She will see that people can be happy alone, that we don’t HAVE to be involved with someone to feel validated. This is a good thing.

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How to get past the anger and move on to bigger things

This is a subject I’ve taken a lot of time contemplating lately. I am still quite angry and I know most people are really tired of hearing it, but I feel like this is one of the ways I safely let my anger out of me and move past it so I can write about it again.

Unfortunately, just about everything my soon to be X does pisses me off. I know, in my head, that this is completely unreasonable. I know it’s that I have anger over the entire situation that I need to figure out how to walk past and walk away from. Still, he just pisses me off so much right now. I am so excited to get the divorce done. He called me a few days ago and told me he set the money aside to file the divorce. I got really excited, went through all my papers, told him we need to get together to get this all the way filled in and I haven’t heard a word from him since. I’m angry about this. Don’t tell me you want to get it done and then get all weird on me and not answer my questions or emails! A day after that non-answering, he called to inform me he wanted to switch the lease on this house to my name. I have no issues with this, and I told him, well, the rent will then be your alimony amount, ok. He said that was fine.

So why not let’s get the divorce papers filed then? Seriously, I want them done. I want the divorce portion of this over with. I feel like I’ve been able to let go of the marriage for a year now and he just won’t do it. So, I get to be miss pushy. This passive aggressive behavior of his really pushes my angry buttons because this is how he always was but I was too stupid to see it.

So, revelation tonight, I’m actually angry at myself again. Yes, he irritates me and I really don’t like him no matter how many “good” things he does. I don’t care that he’s a good daddy and that my grandchild likes him. I just don’t. I don’t like him, but I’m not going to judge others for liking him. So, I’m angry at myself for not seeing what a jerk he was, what a creep, how frustrating he is, much earlier on. I am angry at myself for not performing to his standards as well. That’s a self esteem issue I have to handle and my self-esteem is a bit in the toilet right now due to gaining weight from quitting smoking and feeling unable to get back on the diet and exercise train right now.

I feel downright angry at myself, and I feel awful about my looks and my body right now too.

I am not sure what I should do to fix this. I mean, yes, I’m venting right now. I know I need some friends and some support and I know I need to simply move on with my life and not worry about things that are in the past and that I cannot change. I pray for this ability often, to just be able to live in the moment and not think about stuff. I pray for the ability to be grateful for the good in my life. I pray for this anger to be lifted from me and to be able to be OK with who I am today. It’s been hard losing my job that I waited so long for, it’s been rough losing what I thought was the ideal man. I have fallen down the mountain a bit all over again and I’m upset about it.

So, the other solution I came up with was to volunteer with the Rebuilding class that I took last year. That way I get to make more friends and get more out of it. I need the lessons all over again. I re-read the chapters from the book and I can see that I need to find a way to work this anger out of my system. I need not to distract myself from it, but rather use it as a tool for personal growth.

I hope I can do that. Like everyone, I’m doing the best I can every day. I am falling short of my own expectations so I really have to learn to lower them a bit. I am in a good place where I don’t feel like I need a man to rescue me or care for me. I am glad I can be in that place without worry. I have no need to have a person in my life to make me feel good. I am willing to learn how to feel good about myself without that.

So, right now I feel fat and ugly, but I don’t smoke. I’ve done it..I have made it 4 months or so without cigarettes! That’s an achievement I should be very proud of. I got the dream job, it’s not my fault that funding will be cut by the gov’t or that people decided I had to be the one to go due to that. I am an excellent mom and I’m very tuned into my children and my grandchild.

The other thing that was hard today was that my STBX did not prepare Eli properly for the difference in routine today and he spent a long time crying for Daddy. This really hurt my heart. I’m glad that Eli loves his father, I am, but I really did not need for that to happen today. I know why he was upset and it was not due to missing his dad, it was due to the change in routine. Still, it was hard. It was harder that the jerk thought it was sweet that Eli missed him so much. I was like, “uh, you should really prepare him better and not dangle things you aren’t going to do for a while as a reward. He expected it right then and you severely disappointed him and left me to deal with it.” He said, “Oh, yeah, I’ll try to do better…I missed him a lot too, though”.

arrrrgh 😦

I really don’t like him. But what I really wish for? Is to have NO feelings for him at all.

It’s ridiculous how long divorce can take to get over. I was talking to a therapist friend today who said, “it’s really still very fresh for you..it’s only been a year and 3 months!”. I thought, wow, my instant gratification portion of my brain is not happy about that, but it’s totally true.

So…trying to forgive myself for being so darned angry. And working through it. Sorry for the rant and if you made it this far, thank you. 😀