Dealing with pain from the past and now

Yesterday, my little girl came to me after school and told me she had a rough day and that she didn’t want to talk about it. Long story short, I didn’t react well and eventually we did talk about it, but I learned a few better ways to handle things next time, too.

 

However, I realized this brought home a LOT of past pain for me. I relate to my little girl a lot because she is very much like I was at her age. She’s so bright, hopeful, open, sensitive, huge imagination, just so beautiful it makes me cry. She is amazing and I adore her. And she is teaching me so many things about myself. I was a very unhappy child because these good qualities that I had also, were basically repressed by every one I knew. I was bullied and made fun of in school and told at home that I should not have feelings and I should grow up and so on, so forth. So, she teaches me through being herself, about myself and how to overcome those horrible childhood scars. I want to protect her innocence, her beauty, her sensitivity, her creativity at all costs. I don’t want her to get HURT like I was. I can’t protect her from everything, but I can be her safe haven and I can find ways to minimize the pain.

So, then I heard the song “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera today and I burst into tears. I realized that I am still in so much pain from those days that I have never, ever really loved myself for exactly who I am. Intellectually I tell myself that I’m a good person, that I do my best, etc. but I do not really believe that these things are true. I don’t really believe I’m worth of love. I know there have been so many people in my life that have said to me that I’m worthy and have done their best, but the bottom line is, I hate myself. I hate that I’m all those good things and that I am not what I perceive to be normal. I hate that I don’t like to be girly, I hate that I’m not perfect and I never will be. I am ashamed that I can’t figure out my life effectively most days. I know that I’m a good mom, but I hate that I make mistakes at parenting and I feel shame. 

I hate being fat and uncomfortable. I am convinced no one would ever be attracted to me because of it. I am in pain. I don’t want to hate myself and I don’t know how to really change this. I don’t want it to come from outside of me, I want it to come from the inside. I want to really feel OK with who I am, with my body, with my life. Even if I lose some weight right now, I don’t think I’m going to be 100 percent OK. I can’t live up to my own standards and I am so tired of trying. I want to change and I just don’t know how. I’ve been struggling to change this for a couple of years now and I’m not making any progress yet. Just accepting things, thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, is truly helping. Feelings just are, right? I am still inviting them in, even today, while I weep uncontrollably because I believe that I am not beautiful.

I am terrified about putting this stuff out there, I am terrified of speaking this weekend. My innermost wish seems to be a need to be liked, to be approved of, and I worry every day about it. So when I put the negativity out there, people won’t love me and that scares me. I need it and shun it at the same time.

Pain sucks. I really do want to feel beautiful for the person I am inside, and radiate that out. I want to be liked and approved of, by my own self. 

I am Beautiful, no matter what they say, words won’t bring me down…I need to repeat this to myself all the time. But also, I want my sweet little girl to believe this about herself, way down deep, where no one can ever dislodge it. I don’t know how to make that happen for her, I’ve just got to hope I can keep celebrating the amazing little person she is while she grows into an amazing young woman. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her, yes, and whatever it takes to foster that feeling of love inside herself. And hopefully that will teach me to do it for myself along the way. Just seeing her beauty, her joie de vivre, her amazing personhood, is a reminder that she is MY daughter and she is just like I was and she doesn’t have to ever be crushed by me so she has a good chance, way better than I ever had.

I am hurting today. I invite it in, I will weep, I will try to turn the page on this pain a little more today by remembering that I am beautiful. Just for today I will not be self-effacing. Just for today I will not call myself names or bully myself.

Just for today

I AM BEAUTIFUL

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How to get past the anger and move on to bigger things

This is a subject I’ve taken a lot of time contemplating lately. I am still quite angry and I know most people are really tired of hearing it, but I feel like this is one of the ways I safely let my anger out of me and move past it so I can write about it again.

Unfortunately, just about everything my soon to be X does pisses me off. I know, in my head, that this is completely unreasonable. I know it’s that I have anger over the entire situation that I need to figure out how to walk past and walk away from. Still, he just pisses me off so much right now. I am so excited to get the divorce done. He called me a few days ago and told me he set the money aside to file the divorce. I got really excited, went through all my papers, told him we need to get together to get this all the way filled in and I haven’t heard a word from him since. I’m angry about this. Don’t tell me you want to get it done and then get all weird on me and not answer my questions or emails! A day after that non-answering, he called to inform me he wanted to switch the lease on this house to my name. I have no issues with this, and I told him, well, the rent will then be your alimony amount, ok. He said that was fine.

So why not let’s get the divorce papers filed then? Seriously, I want them done. I want the divorce portion of this over with. I feel like I’ve been able to let go of the marriage for a year now and he just won’t do it. So, I get to be miss pushy. This passive aggressive behavior of his really pushes my angry buttons because this is how he always was but I was too stupid to see it.

So, revelation tonight, I’m actually angry at myself again. Yes, he irritates me and I really don’t like him no matter how many “good” things he does. I don’t care that he’s a good daddy and that my grandchild likes him. I just don’t. I don’t like him, but I’m not going to judge others for liking him. So, I’m angry at myself for not seeing what a jerk he was, what a creep, how frustrating he is, much earlier on. I am angry at myself for not performing to his standards as well. That’s a self esteem issue I have to handle and my self-esteem is a bit in the toilet right now due to gaining weight from quitting smoking and feeling unable to get back on the diet and exercise train right now.

I feel downright angry at myself, and I feel awful about my looks and my body right now too.

I am not sure what I should do to fix this. I mean, yes, I’m venting right now. I know I need some friends and some support and I know I need to simply move on with my life and not worry about things that are in the past and that I cannot change. I pray for this ability often, to just be able to live in the moment and not think about stuff. I pray for the ability to be grateful for the good in my life. I pray for this anger to be lifted from me and to be able to be OK with who I am today. It’s been hard losing my job that I waited so long for, it’s been rough losing what I thought was the ideal man. I have fallen down the mountain a bit all over again and I’m upset about it.

So, the other solution I came up with was to volunteer with the Rebuilding class that I took last year. That way I get to make more friends and get more out of it. I need the lessons all over again. I re-read the chapters from the book and I can see that I need to find a way to work this anger out of my system. I need not to distract myself from it, but rather use it as a tool for personal growth.

I hope I can do that. Like everyone, I’m doing the best I can every day. I am falling short of my own expectations so I really have to learn to lower them a bit. I am in a good place where I don’t feel like I need a man to rescue me or care for me. I am glad I can be in that place without worry. I have no need to have a person in my life to make me feel good. I am willing to learn how to feel good about myself without that.

So, right now I feel fat and ugly, but I don’t smoke. I’ve done it..I have made it 4 months or so without cigarettes! That’s an achievement I should be very proud of. I got the dream job, it’s not my fault that funding will be cut by the gov’t or that people decided I had to be the one to go due to that. I am an excellent mom and I’m very tuned into my children and my grandchild.

The other thing that was hard today was that my STBX did not prepare Eli properly for the difference in routine today and he spent a long time crying for Daddy. This really hurt my heart. I’m glad that Eli loves his father, I am, but I really did not need for that to happen today. I know why he was upset and it was not due to missing his dad, it was due to the change in routine. Still, it was hard. It was harder that the jerk thought it was sweet that Eli missed him so much. I was like, “uh, you should really prepare him better and not dangle things you aren’t going to do for a while as a reward. He expected it right then and you severely disappointed him and left me to deal with it.” He said, “Oh, yeah, I’ll try to do better…I missed him a lot too, though”.

arrrrgh 😦

I really don’t like him. But what I really wish for? Is to have NO feelings for him at all.

It’s ridiculous how long divorce can take to get over. I was talking to a therapist friend today who said, “it’s really still very fresh for you..it’s only been a year and 3 months!”. I thought, wow, my instant gratification portion of my brain is not happy about that, but it’s totally true.

So…trying to forgive myself for being so darned angry. And working through it. Sorry for the rant and if you made it this far, thank you. 😀