Musings, explanations, and so on.

So, I promised a blog post. I truly thought I was going to write it on my “favorite” cause, Autism awareness, but I changed my mind while I was in the shower because I was contemplating the concept of Empathy. I just finished reading the chapter on it in my Non-Violent Communication book in order to begin preparation for monday’s discussion group, and it struck me that I needed to read that chapter exactly when I did. Relating it back to autism, one of the hardest things I have to do is make an attempt to empathize with my son on a daily basis. He really can’t tell me what he is feeling or what his needs are unless they are immediate basics like food or drink or bathroom, etc. So I have to play the deciphering game every day. I imagine I’ll be playing it for the rest of my life, really. 

Then it struck me, aren’t we all really playing that game? Is this why my higher power sent me the messages it did this week? I had been praying to get past some resentment and anger that I’ve been experiencing. I got some amazing advice yesterday and the last group of NVC and now today from the book itself. 

1st, last week, my other group folks at the discussion group said to me, “Have you tried empathizing?” and I said basically, “I am angry, I don’t want to empathize with that jerk”. Well, I’ve been contemplating this all week and my mind just kept repeating that, “I don’t want to empathize with him, I don’t like him, he’s a jerk, he did this and that to me, he hurt my family, he’s a bad man” etc, ad infinitum for a while. So, a long time ago someone told me that an effective way to get rid of these bad thoughts is praying for the other person and/or praying from relief from bad thinking. But when I thought about this, it really meant, try empathy. Try it on yourself and try it on him and see if that helps you.

So I was trying, but not really understanding it, not really DOing it, when I had a meeting with my pastor yesterday at UU to discuss the talk I am going to give about autism and my son. Now, my pastor, as all good pastors usually are, is an amazing listener, and has great skills in empathy and non-violent communication. His wife is trained in NVC as well. He did what a good empathizer does and asked me if I wanted some advice on a new way to think about how to handle these negative emotions and I, very eagerly, replied, Oh yes! because no matter what I was doing in my inner dialogues and prayers, nothing was really relieving me of the bad thinking and I was beginning to feel upset with myself for my inability to “get over it” as it were.

So, his advice was basically, “Invite the emotion in like a house guest. Recognize it, talk to it, treat it like a welcome friend who has something to teach you.” (I am paraphrasing naturally). I was, quite frankly, blown away by this. He took down a beautiful poem by Rumi that he’d posted on his door and read it to me, which basically stated in an extremely beautiful way, the same concept. Why, goodness, I could actually LEARN something?? This spoke to me, the eternal learning person, as something I could recognize and do. So, all day yesterday I contemplated the emotions that were hanging about in my “house” without trying to understand them or banish them or do something about them. I felt pretty calm all day, but not perfect, of course.

However, this calmness really helped me in dealing with my son deciding he couldn’t sleep well. Like any child, he was excited about spending the day with his father today at Take Your Child to Work day and was a bit too over excited to sleep well. He came in, naked, at 5am, looking for some help getting dressed for the day, then promptly fell asleep as soon as I did that. Meanwhile, I was wide awake. I tried reading some fantasy novel that I’ve taken out of the library. I tried tossing and turning, but my brain was awake and wanted the rest of my body out of bed and drinking coffee, so I got up.

Long about 7am, I was getting a bit bored waiting for the kids’ dad to come get them and decided to read my chapter on empathy. I had been putting it off, see above, because, like a little kid, I was mentally stamping my foot “I don’t want to empathize with that bloody bastard, nyah”. So, I just started reading it, and like the sunrise, I felt myself dawning with understanding of what empathy really is. And how necessary this message was for me today. I learned some stuff and I will have to work at putting it into practice, but I marveled at how, when we ask our higher power for help, if we are not listening, we might actually miss the information it is throwing in our faces! I had my group, then my friends, then a pastor, then a book all giving me the same messages. EMPATHY. Recognize your emotions and accept them. Recognize that other people have emotions, they have needs, you can listen for them and recognize them. 

Whoa!!! Ok, I think I got this!! When I am contemplating alone, like today, and learning to welcome the anger, resentment, annoyance, frustration, etc. While I welcome these emotions and examine them, I will probably have some insights into what the need is that is not being fulfilled and see if I can do something about that. In the meanwhile, I am not throwing emotions down into a black hole to be handled later, but I am handling them. I am empathizing with myself. This is a pretty important skill when you are a single person. There aren’t that many people in your life that have the time, the knowledge, or the inclination to spend time figuring out your emotions and helping you fix them. Most of us have to pay someone to do that. But if you can figure out this skill on your own, you can do a lot of work and grow and change and get healthier.

More importantly, all those people you encounter, even the ones that bring you negative emotions, you can turn it around by actively hearing them and learning to recognize their emotion and need. When my X is 20 minutes late getting the children, instead of being really angry with him, I can wonder how he is feeling. Maybe he is trying to tell me by his words, “I’m sorry I’m so late, the traffic was bad, or I had something I had to finish at work and couldn’t get away in time.” He is trying to say, “I feel bad about being late and not calling/messaging” or “When I call you, I know you will feel angry with me, so I am afraid to call and hear the anger since I know I cannot fulfill your need for promptness and I don’t want you to be angry with me”. I can hear that he really needs to be empathized with. I can say, “That must have really been frustrating, trying to get done so you can be with your kids!”. Instead of getting accusatory as I am wont to do at these times because I am upset and am not having a need filled. By empathizing with him and finding out what he needs, I take the focus off of my anger, my frustration, and you know what? By the time I get done empathizing, I am no longer upset. I’ve gained an understanding, I’ve had my need for explanation fulfilled, I’ve had my need for peaceful interaction fulfilled, and I feel better without ever even having expressed my own irritation where it wasn’t needed. Maybe the next time, he won’t be afraid to call because he knows I understand how upset he is? Maybe. Time will tell.

I have so far to go, and so much practice to do. But thank you, higher power, for giving me the messages I needed. Ask and ye shall receive.

Where have I been??

Hi everyone! If you are reading this, thank you for coming around. I have had a lot of changes since October and this project of my life and so on completely got away from me.

So, here’s a short post with a longer one to come later on some musings about autism and my son, what it is to be single and love it, and other daily struggles. I’m also working on myself by taking a course in Non Violent Communication and going to meetings to help me cope with codependency issues. I feel like I’ve done a LOT of healing in the last several months, but Its been a long journey so I will talk a lot more about it when the kids aren’t interrupting me every 5 minutes!

Thanks for coming and I will post tomorrow!

Lingering, or the post painkiller phase.

Where do I begin??

The last two weeks have been extraordinarily crazy.

Around 10 days ago, I found out a very good friend of mine was killed. A day later, we found out it was suicide. It broke our hearts. Her husband had died of cancer just 18 months ago, and she and her 5 young children had moved away from a town that treasured them to be near family and get a new lease on life. We thought that was what she was doing, but she got involved with the wrong man. That man was abusive and I can only imagine the fear and despair my friend was going through while the rest of us thought she was being brave by getting out of a bad situation. We were lovingly supporting her from far away, or so we thought. The sad fact is, people who are suffering, especially people like my friend who prided herself on her perfection and goodness, don’t reach out the way we would hope they would. They don’t ask for help in an ordinary fashion, or at all. They can’t, lest they feel more shame and pain. It breaks MY heart that suffering like this is occurring in the world at all, but it is. So many of us aren’t up front with ourselves or our friends about what we need. The lesson for me has been, talk. Be honest. Tell people what I need. Ask for help. Let them know I love them every day.

I will miss this friend. She had a beauty about her that was indescribable. So many of my friends and fellow community members are heart broken right now. I pray every moment that she is being held up by her angels. I pray every day that her 5 children will know her love through out their lives, through the memories of family and friends.

So, that started me on something of a downward spiral.

two days later, I decided to quit taking the morphine I’d been on since leaving the hospital. It looked like I was doing things with that morphine that I still have no memory of. Pills were missing. I can only guess it was me. I had developed a real addiction a mere 8 weeks after leaving the hospital. It scared me, everyone. I am already a co-dependent and grew up with a family of alcoholics and addicts. I have worked on my issues when I can, yes, but my illness and back surgery sort of took over my life. Then apparently, the morphine did. I found the key that turns the addiction lock in my brain.

I should feel ashamed, and as I write this, I feel scared to print it. I don’t LIKE to admit this yet. I gave it to my higher power, but it almost breaks me to believe that it was so easy to get addicted to something I never wanted in the first place, but needed for the extreme pain I’d suffered.

So, Monday of last week, I stopped taking it. I figured I could handle anything that came my way because I am strong and super stubborn. Guess what? I was so very wrong. I couldn’t handle it. I started accusing my daughter of stealing my pills, yelling at her every chance I got. Waking her up and blaming her for my miserable condition. Being the WORST mother ever.

Well, God (or whatever you call it) does answer prayers, I found. I asked fervently for help. I asked God to make me stop being crazy, to take the pain from me (the psychological pain and the crazy of withdrawal). I went to my pain management clinic and told them what happened. Let me be baldly honest, the first time I went, I made up some stuff so I wouldn’t sound so nuts. I asked for help and they gave me a prescription for a drug called clonodine, which reduces anxiety and blood pressure. It is commonly used in minor addictions.

God, though, god listens. Help came in the form of my best friend on the planet. She called and I told her what was happening. Now, she had to work, but she told me, please go to the detox if you need help. On Wed of last week, I went to the local detox and they could not admit me. You see, morphine withdrawal doesn’t kill people in generally good health. They did, however, get me a new appointment with my pain guy (who specializes in addiction medicine) for the very next morning. But I was still crazy and still begging God for help. So he sent my Laura. She came and took me home with her and kept me sane. The clonodine started working, too, and I was a lot calmer. The pain guy got me a sleeping medicine so I could get some rest. You see, during withdrawal I could not sleep, nor eat. The lines were blurred with what was symptom of withdrawal and what was grief for my friend mentioned above.

That night I finally slept. I saw my guy in the morning and got honest. I told him everything, as real as I could remember. Laura helped me. No prescription changes, but by this time I was feeling better. Just staying away from my daughter (who I wanted to blame instead of facing my own problem) and taking some personal mental space helped me confront this problem. Now I’m not the sort of addict that has been drinking for years…in fact, I don’t drink. I don’t like it, and I’m not much for any drugs, to be honest. This threw me hard. I NEVER thought I could become an addict on top of being co-dependent. But the brain chemistry is so similar in the end, I should not have been surprised to find myself here. But I was. I hated the hospital, I blamed everyone for doing this to me, but in the end, I found that taking responsibility for my own brain is working best. I have a brand new addiction. I need to address it and deal with it. I need to work on my co-dependency issues too.

All this brought me around again to my friend, whose local memorial service was yesterday. She was like me in many ways, and completely different than me in others, but what we shared was co-dependency. I know some of you will read this and find it offensive. We call it generosity of spirit, or altruism, or anything but what it can be. When we find ourselves more interested in everyone else’s problems, and ignoring our own, we might be codependent. When we find ourselves actively taking care of anyone but ourselves, we might be codependent. In a society that lauds selfless women who care only for others in such a generous way, it is hard for a woman to be healthy mentally.

Clearly, I am not saying that every selfless act, that every generous nature is codependent. I’m saying it can be. When the person involved is losing their own identity because they are so involved with everyone else’s issues, they are codependent. I truly think we value that so much in this modern western world, we’ve forgotten the value of individuality and strong identity. Just my opinion, of course.

This brings me around to another thing I’ve learned over the course of this last few months. Treasure every minute you have with the people you love. Who ever they are. Love them, tell them so. Hug them if they’ll let you. Tell them how you value them, and in what way. I’ve been doing this with my children this week, so they know that their mom is here and present and loves them. I’ve also begun to show them by modeling, that I am taking care of myself, too. That if I don’t take care of myself and start to heal, I can’t take care of anyone else in a real way. I can’t be a martyr or a care taker or a people pleaser anymore. I have GOT to deal with the real Megan.

Please, hug your loved ones. Tell them you love them. Life is fleeting and what if you never get another chance to do it? And, if you are like me, you’ll look at the sky tonight and say “Thank you”. Thank you for my life, thank you for answering me when I need you, thank you for your real presence in my life. My experience of the divine is true, and so is yours.

The Whole Story of my crazy illness and surgery and pain.

So, I’ve been gone a long time. I imagine my 4 fans might be wondering where the dangerous old lady has been. It’s a long story, but one I need to tell.

Back in August I was still volunteering for my rebuilding class and deciding what I was going to do next with my life. I was taking a swing dance class that made me crazy nervous but I had fun learning. I was feeling pretty happy. That’s when life throws you a huge curveball!!

The night I was supposed to finally get to have that final Rebuilding dinner and ceremony, (I didn’t get to go when I was in the class because my daughter thought she was in labor), I went to the hospital instead. I’d been having severe back pain from the time we had girls day at the beach the day before and it got really bad that night and I had to leave for the 2nd time in the middle of the last class, after I’d explained to the dance teacher I might not come on tuesday because of pain. By the time I got home, my daughter was alarmed enough to call 911 and get me to an ER. I was in severe pain and now shivering with fever.

We were in the ER for a very long time while they did various tests and cultures to try to determine the issue. I got pain medication thankfully, but I was still miserable. As it turned out, instead of going home with pain meds, I got admitted for a Staph infection in my blood and osteomyelitis in my spine bones. (I also had a herniated disk but that wasn’t really the problem, that just made the area vulnerable to attack by the staph). I don’t have a lot of memory of the next few days. I remember an MRI, I remember I was in the MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit) at Shands. I got pneumonia which is why I was placed there. I have memory of being sick, but no real memory of my daughter and her baby visiting every day. I was on the edge of death, actually. If I hadn’t gone to the ER that night, I might not be here today. That was not a good thing to face after I got more aware and I got pretty upset. I had a very special nurse in the MICU I’ll probably never forget named Leah who took amazing care of me. And I had a lovely young man flirting with me as he took me for walks. I probably looked just scary, but he was so nice to me. I will never forgot those two people, because they made me feel special and happy in the middle of a crisis.

After about a week and a half I got better enough to get out of the MICU and move to a room. 2 days after that I was sent home to a home health nurse and IV antibiotics for 8 weeks. That was Aug. 24th. I had made it and I was going to live, but I still had some issues and tons of medications to control pain and the infection and the side effects of pain meds, etc. It was amazing how much medicine I had to take, plus have a 24 hour IV into a picc line and a home health nurse weekly draw blood for cultures. As I was leaving the hospital, one last doctor came to see me from the Infectious Diseases group and what he told me was very important. He said if i had ANY numbness or tingling in any limbs, to immediately call and report it.

It was a very good thing he told me this, because I remembered it just 2 days later when I woke up with a numb and tingling right foot. I called and the Dr. on call told me to go back to the ER. This time my daughter drove me. What a way to wake up on her daughter’s first birthday! I was going to miss all the celebrations that day which really made me sad. We had guests I was so wanting to be with. My cousin, my stepfather, my X and fellow grandparent..I just wanted to be a part of all of it, but I couldn’t be. After another horrifying MRI, they discovered a large abcess on my spine. It was decided that I would have to have a Laminectomy so they could get the abcess out. So a piece of bone removed and the area near my spine cleaned up. I stayed in the hospital in much worse pain for another week. My soon to be ex stayed with me, though, so Alexis could have my granddaughter’s party. What a horrible day that was..that MRI was just horrible. I almost freaked out, and then they told me i was going back in for high def. pictures and I said NO, I can’t. They about threw me onto the transport bed, which made me scream and cry in pain.

So, healing from all this has been a longer road than I wanted. I’ve had physical therapy and I’m still on antibiotics through the picc line for 24 hours a day until the end of october. There have been a lot of pain meds, most of which are gone now. However, the morphine is still there and today I went to a pain management clinic to formulate a plan to wean me off of that. I dislike taking pain medicine, but this pain warranted taking it. Some days I push too hard and the pain is pretty bad. Some days I feel like I can’t do anything but sit on the couch. Sometimes I have felt scared that I’d never be OK again, and sometimes I have just marveled at how precious life is and how happy I am that I didn’t lose mine. I need to be here when my baby (almost 7 now) has her babies. I want to be a super old lady who says stupid things someday.

Life is precious and you can lose it in a moment in a way you never expected. Life really IS dangerous at times and that scares me. But as soon as I’m more able, I intend to take all the joy it has to offer as often as I can. This past weekend was the first weekend since all this that I got to spend it with my two younger kids. It was not really easy, but it wasn’t hard either. And it made me feel extremely happy. I never want to miss them so much again. I love being a part of their every day life!

So I will live with joy and gratefulness and do the best I can every single day that I have here. I will share the love in my heart, I will work on being a great person.

Re-taking Rebuilding

Sounds crazy, right? I am in the strange position of being a volunteer/mentor/facilitator for this course I took last year, when I was still in the throes of detaching from Tom and trying to find a way to move on. This year, it feels like I have made so much progress that I can look back and know that last year I was a HUGE mess. I’m really glad none of my attempts at dating worked out back then, I really was not ready at all. It’s all so interesting when you have a chance to look back, though.

In a sense, I’m getting the chance to re-take the class and redo so many things that I either missed or didn’t take as seriously as I needed to at the time. Last year it was SO fresh, and I was also helping my daughter through the end of her pregnancy and had family drama, etc. It was like I really did not have time to really take it in properly. I kept falling into drama with Tom and having to start climbing back up the mountain again and again.

This year, I feel like I’m stuck on the mountain a little bit and the class is helping me start re-climbing that mountain to total freedom. I got stuck on anger for a very long time. I think, from all I can discover, that it is normal to get stuck there. There’s a lot of stuff to sift through and get past. Forgiveness is much slower in coming, and I have allowed myself the space to not forgive if I don’t want to. It’s all up to me, and has nothing to do with him. It’s getting better, slowly.

Today I realized, though, that when people now ask me how I am, I don’t give them the story of my life anymore. I just say, “I’m good, thank you” and move on. This is a big change, too. I used to have to tell them the drama and woes. That was the place I was in. I used to need to express about my anger all the time, now I don’t really feel like talking much about it.

It comes and goes, I think. I was involved in a relationship in which I loved someone with my whole heart and pinned the hopes of my life on them, and that person did not reciprocate that love, and that person killed the relationship years before I knew it was dead. It is a long dead love relationship to him. To me, it’s only been a year and a half or so. It’s a dead love relationship, but the wound got infected for a while, and the antibiotics didn’t work so well at first, but eventually the medicine began to work and the wounds began to heal.

Healing takes time. Lifting my soul and beginning to care about who I really am has taken set backs with the recent job drama, but I’m getting there slowly. I joined curves. I’m proud to say that despite gaining 15 lbs, I have NOT gone back to smoking. I have been smoke free for 4.5 months! That’s a pretty major accomplishment considering all the stress factors I went through during that time.

This week, we’ll discuss the divorce papers and try to get them finished. We’ll do the required parenting course sometime after that, and we’ll file for divorce and I’ll start planning the celebration of the end. I will say my final good byes and welcome my new life as just me. I’m really comfortable being alone, but I have expressed before and again I will express, I would like more friends, especially single women around my own age, to go out with and do fun things with, without the pressures of meeting a new person and starting a relationship. I’m not ready for that. Maybe making friends with men, too, but not for love. I have healing to do, and I am going to give myself as much time as I want.

I’m happier. It’s not so obvious at times, but it’s the truth. I’m being just me, and I’m happier. Still unsettled, still unsure at times about what to do next with my life, but overall, happier, because I am not spending every day trying to figure out how to make someone happy that just was NOT happy and wouldn’t talk about it, and wouldn’t let me because he needed to figure out how to be happy on his own. We are not responsible for anyone’s emotional states but our own.

As I heard today..

God grant me the serenity

To Accept the People I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change the One I can

And the Wisdom to know IT’S ME!

 

Father’s Day, I miss my dad…and a small rant.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there that I know who are kind and loving and involved with their children. Being a good dad isn’t about genetics, but it’s about love and I was lucky enough to have that from more than one dad. So, to my own father, who died suddenly almost 6 years ago, I still miss you almost every day and wish I could listen to you ramble on about your life. To my stepfather, I wish you were more involved in my life now, but I understand you have to live your own life and I hope you are a happy person.

Enough. I am sad today too, because I am still battling with anger, self-esteem, and so on. I really couldn’t even bring myself to say happy father’s day to my STBX because I can’t feel he was a great dad when all he did was fool around on the mother of his children and then ultimately abandon the family for another woman. He’s the ultimate selfish person and it’s really difficult for me to see him as a good father. My children do, and they love him, and they deserve the time to form solid relationships with him, and I am giving them that. But it was even weirder to find out that his girlfriend came to hang out with him and my children today and brought him a gift. Is he her father now too? She’s about as sick as he is, thinking it’s totally OK to sleep with a man who is married and has small children who need him. Personally that sickens me, but it does happen every day in america, where people have forgotten about values and boundaries and such. Or they make excuses for their behavior. Whatever, people. Grow up and BE adults, k?

Sorry, this is what I mean. This anger is pervasive and not logical. I know it’s stuff I have to do. I have to forgive myself and walk on and believe me, I’m trying to do this. I am praying for this bitterness and anger to be taken away. I think part of the problem is, I didn’t give up the fantasy of somehow working things out with STBX for such a long time. When I finally did give it up, I was left with that long climb up the mountain again to healthy behavior. And since I’ve never really been that healthy as far as relationships go, it’s a really long, steep climb and I slip backwards a lot. And then I didn’t give up the hope that Karma would step up and do something to make STBX miserable too. I am closer to giving that up and closer to just not caring about him every day. I just want to be completely disentangled and not have to do anything but child delivery. I don’t trust him and can’t count on him for anything, so it will come to that. I don’t want to be his friend, and to be perfectly frank, I think it would be a bad idea for me to ever meet this woman he is with. If it works out for him with her, it means I really was a failure somehow, though I know choosing to cheat was his choice and not my fault in any way. It means that I was simply not the right person for him, though we brought children into the world and I was willing to work it out and so forth….I just was not the right person. Well, I think I need to turn that around, because for SO long I believed he was my ideal man, that he was my mr. right. I need to learn that he isn’t that guy. He’s mr. really wrong for me. I don’t know who is the real mr. right, or even if there is one, but I do have to come to the realization that he is Mr. so so wrong! I don’t know how to get there.

So, my other thing today is realizing that it’s bloody hard for me to make friends. I REALLY need some single gal pals or even guy pals. I need people to go do things with on my time off, to go enjoy life with. I have some great friends already, don’t get me wrong, but these are folks who have families and husbands and don’t really have the time or inclination to go out and have fun with a single friend. I tried last year, but I just felt like I wasn’t liked. I know that’s my issue, they may have liked me, but no one made an effort to call me or text me, no one seemed to care that much. I tried to do that, call people, but they didn’t try to do that with me. Who knows why there was that disconnect. Maybe I rubbed them all the wrong way because I was still so crazy, I am really unsure. I need help to figure out how to do this. Maybe I need to just call people and see where the chips lie?

I can’t figure out why I feel so lost lately, like I just can’t figure out how to be. Maybe this is a function of growing away from being co-dependent and people pleasing. I just am not sure how to act anymore. I feel like at my age I should know, but I don’t. I hope I figure it out sooner rather than later, because I’m kind of lonely. I love my daughter, but we can’t go out and do fun things because she’s my daughter and she has a baby.  I need friends closer to my own age to hang out with. I gotta figure this out.

I am tired of hurting. I’m tired of not liking myself. I want to like me. I want to love me and enjoy my life and who I am. I want to have some fun and be proud of the person I am.

Wish me luck.

I really miss my dad.

Just another ramble, or grateful for an uneventful day

On the weekends when my children aren’t home, I am somewhat at a loss for what to do with myself. Today I made “plans” to do things and then I remembered I had to baby sit with my granddaughter all morning so I didn’t do anything but that. Then I came up with a million reasons NOT to clean things or mow lawns.

I was briefly tempted to bring home an old italian greyhound today from an adoption event we went to after Alexis got home from work. Then I remembered dogs are not on my lease and I have 5 cats living here who would not appreciate my thought to rescue an old guy doggie. (He was 11 years old and so nervous he shook the whole time we were at the event) So, instead I bought a leash and harness for my black kitten Lucky, AKA my boyfriend. Lucky spends most of his time ON my body or near me. He sleeps on me at night if he’s in my room, and if he’s not, he comes in first thing in the morning. So, I scared the heck out of my kitten when I got home and put him on a leash and harness and took him into the front yard. I had fun for about 5 minutes.

It was an uneventful day. Nothing really super happened and nothing really bad happened. I didn’t sit around thinking too much and I watched movies and cried and laughed a lot in the evening when Alexis was out at a barbeque thing for work. I love alone time above all things. I can be a sappy mess and talk to myself and act goofy.

I did almost forget to call my kids to say good night, though. Then my little girl told me she’d forgotten to bring her father’s day things and would I bring them. I feel conflicted about this one. I’m willing, but I do NOT want to see him on that day. I will be mourning my father and thinking about all of us little girls who’ve lost our daddies and not thinking about the JW I married. He was a rotten husband. He does the best he can as a father and I give him credit, but I’m not going to celebrate him. He can do that with his children. Anyway, the point of this is, I miss the kids when they are gone, and sometimes I can hardly wait until they leave again. It’s a strange thing. The day they are going to their dads for the weekend they are really crazy and annoying! Then they leave and I celebrate for the evening and then I want them back again. It’s like I only need an hour or so break really. It stinks when it’s more than that.

So, I guess tomorrow I’m going to have to step up and mow the yard and do some cleaning and laundry. But today I just had a sort of lazy, uneventful day in which I didn’t stress, I didn’t feel sad or angry, I just existed. And I’m really grateful for that. Everyone needs these sort of days now and then, I think.

In conclusion, I found out that Clarence Clemmons died today after having a stroke. I feel for his family. I remember him coming to my music class when I was in the 8th grade and lived in Rumson, NJ. He was such a character! Later, my father lived next door to Max Weinberg (the drummer from the E Street Band) and we’d get to go to concerts and backstage. I was a young teenager and couldn’t be more impressed with Clarence and all the others. I got to go to Max’s wedding and see them play there. I was all of 15 years old and babysitting for my younger brother (who is now 30!). Tonight I watched a classic 80s movie called Valley Girl with a young Nicholas Cage. I felt very nostalgic for my high school days. It’s very hard to believe those days were so long ago. Rest in Peace, Clarence, I feel lucky that I got to meet you back in the 80s, you were a heck of an interesting man.

Good Night quiet saturday.