Re-taking Rebuilding

Sounds crazy, right? I am in the strange position of being a volunteer/mentor/facilitator for this course I took last year, when I was still in the throes of detaching from Tom and trying to find a way to move on. This year, it feels like I have made so much progress that I can look back and know that last year I was a HUGE mess. I’m really glad none of my attempts at dating worked out back then, I really was not ready at all. It’s all so interesting when you have a chance to look back, though.

In a sense, I’m getting the chance to re-take the class and redo so many things that I either missed or didn’t take as seriously as I needed to at the time. Last year it was SO fresh, and I was also helping my daughter through the end of her pregnancy and had family drama, etc. It was like I really did not have time to really take it in properly. I kept falling into drama with Tom and having to start climbing back up the mountain again and again.

This year, I feel like I’m stuck on the mountain a little bit and the class is helping me start re-climbing that mountain to total freedom. I got stuck on anger for a very long time. I think, from all I can discover, that it is normal to get stuck there. There’s a lot of stuff to sift through and get past. Forgiveness is much slower in coming, and I have allowed myself the space to not forgive if I don’t want to. It’s all up to me, and has nothing to do with him. It’s getting better, slowly.

Today I realized, though, that when people now ask me how I am, I don’t give them the story of my life anymore. I just say, “I’m good, thank you” and move on. This is a big change, too. I used to have to tell them the drama and woes. That was the place I was in. I used to need to express about my anger all the time, now I don’t really feel like talking much about it.

It comes and goes, I think. I was involved in a relationship in which I loved someone with my whole heart and pinned the hopes of my life on them, and that person did not reciprocate that love, and that person killed the relationship years before I knew it was dead. It is a long dead love relationship to him. To me, it’s only been a year and a half or so. It’s a dead love relationship, but the wound got infected for a while, and the antibiotics didn’t work so well at first, but eventually the medicine began to work and the wounds began to heal.

Healing takes time. Lifting my soul and beginning to care about who I really am has taken set backs with the recent job drama, but I’m getting there slowly. I joined curves. I’m proud to say that despite gaining 15 lbs, I have NOT gone back to smoking. I have been smoke free for 4.5 months! That’s a pretty major accomplishment considering all the stress factors I went through during that time.

This week, we’ll discuss the divorce papers and try to get them finished. We’ll do the required parenting course sometime after that, and we’ll file for divorce and I’ll start planning the celebration of the end. I will say my final good byes and welcome my new life as just me. I’m really comfortable being alone, but I have expressed before and again I will express, I would like more friends, especially single women around my own age, to go out with and do fun things with, without the pressures of meeting a new person and starting a relationship. I’m not ready for that. Maybe making friends with men, too, but not for love. I have healing to do, and I am going to give myself as much time as I want.

I’m happier. It’s not so obvious at times, but it’s the truth. I’m being just me, and I’m happier. Still unsettled, still unsure at times about what to do next with my life, but overall, happier, because I am not spending every day trying to figure out how to make someone happy that just was NOT happy and wouldn’t talk about it, and wouldn’t let me because he needed to figure out how to be happy on his own. We are not responsible for anyone’s emotional states but our own.

As I heard today..

God grant me the serenity

To Accept the People I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change the One I can

And the Wisdom to know IT’S ME!

 

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Megan Jobes

About to graduate college, moving into a job in the computer programming industry

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