Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there that I know who are kind and loving and involved with their children. Being a good dad isn’t about genetics, but it’s about love and I was lucky enough to have that from more than one dad. So, to my own father, who died suddenly almost 6 years ago, I still miss you almost every day and wish I could listen to you ramble on about your life. To my stepfather, I wish you were more involved in my life now, but I understand you have to live your own life and I hope you are a happy person.
Enough. I am sad today too, because I am still battling with anger, self-esteem, and so on. I really couldn’t even bring myself to say happy father’s day to my STBX because I can’t feel he was a great dad when all he did was fool around on the mother of his children and then ultimately abandon the family for another woman. He’s the ultimate selfish person and it’s really difficult for me to see him as a good father. My children do, and they love him, and they deserve the time to form solid relationships with him, and I am giving them that. But it was even weirder to find out that his girlfriend came to hang out with him and my children today and brought him a gift. Is he her father now too? She’s about as sick as he is, thinking it’s totally OK to sleep with a man who is married and has small children who need him. Personally that sickens me, but it does happen every day in america, where people have forgotten about values and boundaries and such. Or they make excuses for their behavior. Whatever, people. Grow up and BE adults, k?
Sorry, this is what I mean. This anger is pervasive and not logical. I know it’s stuff I have to do. I have to forgive myself and walk on and believe me, I’m trying to do this. I am praying for this bitterness and anger to be taken away. I think part of the problem is, I didn’t give up the fantasy of somehow working things out with STBX for such a long time. When I finally did give it up, I was left with that long climb up the mountain again to healthy behavior. And since I’ve never really been that healthy as far as relationships go, it’s a really long, steep climb and I slip backwards a lot. And then I didn’t give up the hope that Karma would step up and do something to make STBX miserable too. I am closer to giving that up and closer to just not caring about him every day. I just want to be completely disentangled and not have to do anything but child delivery. I don’t trust him and can’t count on him for anything, so it will come to that. I don’t want to be his friend, and to be perfectly frank, I think it would be a bad idea for me to ever meet this woman he is with. If it works out for him with her, it means I really was a failure somehow, though I know choosing to cheat was his choice and not my fault in any way. It means that I was simply not the right person for him, though we brought children into the world and I was willing to work it out and so forth….I just was not the right person. Well, I think I need to turn that around, because for SO long I believed he was my ideal man, that he was my mr. right. I need to learn that he isn’t that guy. He’s mr. really wrong for me. I don’t know who is the real mr. right, or even if there is one, but I do have to come to the realization that he is Mr. so so wrong! I don’t know how to get there.
So, my other thing today is realizing that it’s bloody hard for me to make friends. I REALLY need some single gal pals or even guy pals. I need people to go do things with on my time off, to go enjoy life with. I have some great friends already, don’t get me wrong, but these are folks who have families and husbands and don’t really have the time or inclination to go out and have fun with a single friend. I tried last year, but I just felt like I wasn’t liked. I know that’s my issue, they may have liked me, but no one made an effort to call me or text me, no one seemed to care that much. I tried to do that, call people, but they didn’t try to do that with me. Who knows why there was that disconnect. Maybe I rubbed them all the wrong way because I was still so crazy, I am really unsure. I need help to figure out how to do this. Maybe I need to just call people and see where the chips lie?
I can’t figure out why I feel so lost lately, like I just can’t figure out how to be. Maybe this is a function of growing away from being co-dependent and people pleasing. I just am not sure how to act anymore. I feel like at my age I should know, but I don’t. I hope I figure it out sooner rather than later, because I’m kind of lonely. I love my daughter, but we can’t go out and do fun things because she’s my daughter and she has a baby. I need friends closer to my own age to hang out with. I gotta figure this out.
I am tired of hurting. I’m tired of not liking myself. I want to like me. I want to love me and enjoy my life and who I am. I want to have some fun and be proud of the person I am.
Wish me luck.
I really miss my dad.