Mixed Feelings…talking it all out

Sometimes, I just need to write about where I am with things. It’s been more than a year since my husband decided to let me know he’d been cheating again and that he was “in love” and wasn’t going to end the relationship. I threw him out that day, though he says he decided to leave. It really doesn’t matter now, the point is, I’m the one who got left. I’m the one that got hurt because of his selfish actions over our short marriage. I’ve come to the conclusion that none of his actions are my fault, though he certainly would have loved me to believe that. It’s been a long journey for me, and I feel like I’ve really come a long way in my healing, but I still have mixed feelings. I still need to work this stuff out somehow, but I’ve talked it to death with everyone, so now it’s all up to me. I don’t feel ugly and awful, though right now I feel fat, but that’s sort of normal when you quit smoking, you get a bit fat. I can lose weight, so no big deal. I have a feeling that quitting also leads to a host of confusing feelings that I used cigarettes to quash a bit, too. And maybe that’s why I feel how I do lately, I am not sure. I just feel like I can’t get to that point of letting it all go.

Half of me still wants revenge. I still want to yell to everyone we know what a jerk he is and don’t like that jerk, look what he did to me! Well, the other half is like, “why do you care? It’s not like he cared about you. Let other people figure out what an ass he is” and then I just walk away. Recently, he made this friend at his church (which is laughable in and of itself, that he can go to church at all…but God forgives faster than I do) who is a woman. This woman has an autistic kid, she’s redheaded, and she teaches Sunday school to my kids. Hm. Wait…I’m redheaded, I have an autistic kid who just happens to be HIS kid, and I teach Sunday School too. I don’t go to Christian church though. Maybe that’s the difference. Of course, I figured, well, whatever..she’s married so she probably just thinks he’s a great guy and a good dad and they’ve bonded a bit. No big deal, right? Well,there is that revenge person who really wants to pull her aside and tell her who he really is…and there’s the needs to move on and stop concerning yourself person who says, “leave it alone”. I dislike that there is this war inside me. I’m pretty sure that she is his “next” victim now…even though he’s with the “other woman” still. Tom can’t have just one woman…so she’s my replacement since I pretty much cut off his “friendship”…and sooner or later, they’ll sleep together and be cheating on the dumb lady who he left me for. Yes, I called her dumb…who the hell believes a married guy with two small kids who doesn’t leave for 2 months into your relationship for whatever reason (and may never have left but I confronted him) and then proceeds to cheat on you over and over again with his wife?? K, really?? Clearly she doesn’t have the truth, or she’s really stupid. I have no sympathy for her..I would never date a married guy who hasn’t left his wife yet..that was really stupid of her. So, the new gal, she is recently separated too. Hmm, do you smell, Tom is looking for that “family life” he definitely misses with a new person since I won’t let him have it here?? I think so. I really want to let this gal know what the hell he put me through, but I know, logically, this is NOT my issue. I need to let it go. I need to stop feeling pissed off at him for not being the person I thought he was, I need to let the marriage GO, but I have days when I just can’t. When I drift into a fantasy world of being able to put it all back together with him because our kids deserve it.

I’m still so angry at times, still so mixed up. I feel like I should be able to get over this, it’s been over a year, but it took another 6 months past him leaving to really end things, too. So I am saying about 8 months, then, that I’ve had to get over it. He says stupid things like he wants us to be friends and that will set me off for a few days…we aren’t friends, and I really can’t be. But trust me, I’m going to need about a TON of self-discipline with having new women flaunted at me. I still feel jealousy. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get past this. I think in the past a new relationship has gotten me away from the old one, but this time, there won’t be a new one. I really don’t have the time or inclination to try to date or be with someone. I tried a bit and it just was not for me. I am simply allowing myself the space to really do the work of healing and being just me. It’s really not easy, but I’m proud of myself that I am doing some things right for the first time in my life. I am slowly healing, I am changing my life to suit myself and what I’d like to do. I am walking towards being a better me.

So, how do I walk away from the vengeful, angry bitch that wants to hurt him for hurting me so much? How do I get rid of the angry? How do I keep myself from interfering when I know whatever these other women are hearing about me is probably not true? He’s a consummate liar! He is really good at it. He is super great at being secretive and playing people. I sometimes wonder if he’s pretending to be a “people pleaser” in order to hide what he really is? A selfish person who is out to get what they want at any cost. A predator who preys on women with low self-esteem in order to boost his own? I wonder.

Still, I keep thinking the man will come to his senses one day and figure out what he lost and what he took away from his children. He claims to love them more than anything, but he took away the one thing that all children should have, an intact family. The one thing I told him I wanted for my kids, the one reason I consented to be married again even though I felt dubious about the entire institution of marriage. I wanted to give Eli and Sophie something I didn’t have, an intact family with a loving mother and father. I loved the man I thought he was with all my heart, and it’s taking my heart ages and ages to heal and realize that the man I thought he was is not the man he actually is. He NEVER loved me, because, honestly, I’m not sure he’s capable of loving in a real way. He has said to me the only people he knows he loves are his children. I’m questioning that because I would do anything to ensure they had that happy, intact family, and he just doesn’t see that is important. That’s where we are different. He is not a product of divorce and dysfunction, so he can’t see why it’s important for children to have intact families. In fact, he thinks he is the product of dysfunction, but I know he is not. His family was the epitome of normalcy, and still is, but he wants to believe they were messed up, because then it explains why he is such a mess. I even asked him why he believed he was a co-dependent and he blamed the relationships in his family. I was like…well, um, sure. I don’t believe that now. I want to believe the best of people, I really do, and I want to believe he does the best he can. But the bottom line is, he’s not a good person at all. And I’m sorry, he’s the opposite of a co-dependent. He’s more like an addict. To what, I can’t answer, but that’s what he acts like. Take, take, take, use, use, use. That’s what I see now looking back. I was used for my ability and willingness to have children. He would not deny that in the beginning and though he denies that’s why he was with me now, I think the real truth was how he acted then. Had I not gotten pregnant, our relationship would have ended 8 years ago. I was the baby maker. He tried to be a husband and he tried to love, but he is, IMO, not capable. He can’t love me, because he doesn’t love himself.

He is a good dad, which is probably what kept me believing for so long that he was more than he really is. Eli and Sophie adore him and rightly so. He makes parenting mistakes, sure, he’s human, but he is always there for the kids and that will help him later when they find out what he did and why the marriage ended. He’s a good dad. Maybe at the end of his crazy love life, all that will end up mattering is that he was a good dad.

I just want to feel better, myself. I want to not be angry. I wish I could make a conscious decision not to feel envy, distaste, dislike, anger when it comes to him. But the thing is, I loved him, and love doesn’t die easy, it morphs into a lot of other things that you have to resolve, just like a grief process. I am grieving and probably will be for a while, and this is why I’m unable to move on and date or find a relationship. I’m not ready and I really rather like being alone. I like it a LOT and may stay this way for the rest of my life. I’m actually very comfortable with that idea. I am terrified of being hurt the way he hurt me, so that may be why I take refuge in being alone. I can’t really say, and it doesn’t really matter.

I just want to feel better. I want to be friendly, I want to NOT CARE about his life and how he lives it. I hope that comes soon. I really do

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Megan Jobes

About to graduate college, moving into a job in the computer programming industry

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