I had this conversation with my X today. I was stupid, I started thinking about our past, and waking up before we had the kids and spending an awesome weekend day together after an awesome breakfast and I stupidly mentioned that to him, and that I miss those days somewhat. It’s mostly because the Chantix keeps delving into my brain and activating those times and giving me vivid dreams in which he is a large part lately. And as much as I might wish for those dreams to be hate dreams, they aren’t. So my brain wants to remember the good stuff, before I had my heart shattered.
So during this conversation, he got all “I don’t know what to say” so I said, don’t stress, I am just sharing some stuff, I don’t expect anything. And he said something to the effect of I like being your friend and I don’t want to hurt you. So that made me start thinking. Friend?? Really?? No, X who shattered my heart, we are NOT friends. I am nice to you because you are the father of my children and I want to keep things OK between us for their sake. I don’t consider him my friend in any way. Friends share, friends are honest with each other, friends do not DO the stuff he has done. I don’t WANT a friend that could betray his wife/lover over and over again, living a secret life for years.
So that made me wonder, what IS friendship to me? Like most things, I think anything like friendship, love, spirit, is very individual. So maybe he thinks he’s being a friend by his definition of what it is, but I don’t think so by MY definition.
By my own personal definition…a friend is someone who is honest with you, even when you don’t want to hear it, someone who is loyal to you and doesn’t talk behind your back or make up lies about you, a person who is there for you at 2am when you are crying and alone, a friend is a person who loves you for who you are now, not for who you were then. They just love you as you are, no expectation of anything but to be a friend back to them.
There are times, I admit, when I’ve been a lousy friend. When someone who considered me a friend might have needed me and I was too wrapped up in my own crap to be there for them. The thing is, a real friend will still want to know you and will be able to forgive you your faults without punishing you for it. A friend is someone who knows you have faults and loves you anyway. Friendship doesn’t have to be some co-dependent thing where you sacrifice your identity to be there, though. Friendship forgives. A friend is someone who you didn’t talk to for 3 years but you just take up like you never stopped talking.
I sometimes think friendship is more important to me than having that life partner. Sure, I’d like to be with someone I get to wake up next to on weekends when the kids aren’t home and get to go do fun things with and play with and stay in bed all day with. But none of that would mean much to me if they weren’t also my best friend.
I think that what X forgets is, I considered him that person for a very long time, even though he didn’t reciprocate those feelings. So it’s offensive when he says we are friends, because we aren’t. He didn’t treat me like his best friend, or any friend, for many years, even though I didn’t know it, and kept treating him as my friend. He can’t be my friend now, because honestly, he was never a real friend to me. He is, unfortunately for him, a clueless and selfish person. I hope he manages to figure this out. I seriously wanted to yell at him through a text message, YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND! But I could not do it. Its not that I don’t want to hurt him, because, to be brutally honest, I do at times, it’s that I don’t want to make things difficult between us right now because of the children.
So, to all my friends, the real ones, past and present…I am GRATEFUL for you. You have loved me and cared for me, even when I’m being a lousy friend to you. I will keep doing my best to be the friend you need, too. If you aren’t my friend, and you are reading this, well, you probably should be my friend. I’m open to making new friends all the time. I can be intense, annoying, and I’ll probably interrupt you constantly, but I can tell you this, I will treasure and value you for as long as we’re friends.
Friends are good to each other…friends are honest, friends are loyal, friends care even when you think you don’t deserve it. I love my friends.
But X…you really aren’t a friend. You have not been one for many years, ever since that first lie…you know, the one where you said you loved me? You can’t have, or you would never have betrayed me over and over again. I really don’t need friends like that. But I’ll be nice to you, our children deserve that.
Right now, this is my friend. I feel like crying on it. I still have a long way to go to heal this love wound.