This is tough to admit to

Okay, but I have to. It’s part of the process. Today I started taking Chantix to quit smoking. I smoked cigarettes from age 18 to age 36, then I got pregnant with Eli and had no trouble quitting. I didn’t smoke for 3 years, then my father passed away. I had been having an occasional cig before that with friends when we were out being naughty, but hadn’t bought cigs or started to smoke them until my father died. He died very suddenly in an accident and I went to california for the memorial service. At that time, the rest of the smokers in my family were there to hand me smokes and I smoked them. I was stressed, it felt good. I know my now X was annoyed as all get out, but it was helping me to cope. Not a great excuse, I know, but it’s in the past now.

I couldn’t stop after that, though I did try. Over and Over again I tried. I’m allergic to the adhesive on the patches, and the gum tastes HORRID, so then I tried just cutting down, but I’d always find an excuse to smoke an extra one, even when keeping a log and really trying hard, I’d find a way to sneak extra ones in until I’d get discouraged and just quit trying.

For me, it’s a shameful habit. I have children and animals. I never smoke in my house or around people who don’t smoke. I don’t go to events and smoke, I don’t smoke in my car. I come inside from smoking and wash my hands and chew gum. I hate the smell, I feel shame being around my kids and grandkid knowing I smell bad. It’s just this thing I can’t stop doing and I need to stop. I’m 45 years old. I want to live a full life, be there for kids and grandkids and great grandkids. I need to stop.

So, I finally asked the doctor for Chantix. I took my first one just about 30 minutes ago and now I’m fessing up. I’m a smoker. I’m going to be a non-smoker, I’m going to try very hard and do my best to stop this nasty habit. I will not be mad at myself if I fail, I will just keep trying. I joined the program thing that comes with the scrip so I have support in my effort and will follow the program. I will do this. I will save gads of money if I can do this, too.

My reward in 12 weeks will be a nice flat screen tv with the savings I get from not smoking. I will take myself to a salon and get a pedicure and a manicure. I will get to go to the beach because I’ll have gas money that hasn’t got to be saved for smokes. If I get the job I want, I won’t have to hide who I am anymore.

I’m excited. It HAS to work this time. I need this.

Wish me luck!

Advertisements

Published by

Megan Jobes

About to graduate college, moving into a job in the computer programming industry

2 thoughts on “This is tough to admit to”

  1. I wrote the beach thing before I read this.
    I know you can do it Meg you are a very strong woman.
    You overcome many things higher than this.
    Without you who will make your kids world go round.
    Take care of U , now is the time, before its too late,
    Love you,
    L

  2. Yeah I had quit smoking and Dad’s death started me back up too. Then I quit while pregnant and have kept it up because of Ethan and because Mike hates it. You’ve set great prizes for yourself–I wish you the best with it. You can do it!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s